Are there things we say to students that we shouldn't?
Are there things we say to students that we shouldn't?
It doesn't matter how old you are, when we were all children. We all heard the phrase, because I told you so. Is that one of the phrases we're going to talk about today? All right, all right. The reason I was inspired to do Today's topic is from our Substitute Teachers Lounge group page. It grows every day, I keep saying that. I'm glad you guys are there. We actually talk about all kinds of topics. But I can tell that there's some things even around the country that some people are uncomfortable saying to kids, some are not. And I said, Well, that would inspire a good episode. What should we not say to our students? Or maybe even what should we not say to the teachers, or if we want to get totally general, we talked through these things. Maybe it's just a good thing not to say them to anybody, but I'll let you be the one who chooses that decision. One last thing about the group page, we've grown so much in the last two weeks that we're now above what we were when we made the transfer, if you remember, we used to have a Facebook page. Now we have a Facebook group, it's much better for discussion. And what we wanted to do and I made that switch is probably been six months ago now. So I think all of you all for joining that if you're listening, and you're not on our Substitute Teachers Lounge group page, you're missing out, it's free, there's no reason not to join it, and we'd love to hear your opinion. Now, I'm going to start out with a phrase that I hate adults saying it to the students or to children. I hate them saying, You think you got it bad now, wait to you get out on your own. Now, for some people, that may be true, but I'm going to tell you my story. I actually still look back on my teenage years, as some of the toughest years I ever went through. You know, you're trying to establish yourself, there's peer pressure, you've got pressure, you really got pressure on you, whether you're making good grades or bad grades, if you're making bad grades, there's the pressure of bringing them up. If you're making good grades, it's kind of a pressure on how the students look at you. So you can't get away from pressure, you're growing up, the hormones are starting to kick into place. All that stuff happens in the teenage years. Now, you know, especially you guys that have heard me talk about my previous work experience. I was an accountant for 38 years. And it only took me after I retired two months to realize I wish I'd been an educator all my life. So there was part of my career I didn't enjoy. But yet, I still look at my teenage years as being some of the toughest years I ever had. Now, it wasn't anything terrible. I didn't get into terrible trouble. I was a decent kid. But it was still kind of I think back I think of those days and the struggles that some of us went through. I think of some days, some days, it'll just go through my thoughts about some of the students that were popular back in high school. And they've kind of fallen on hard times I feel for them. Some have been gone straight through the life without any problem. But most of the time, if you say to a student or a child, just wait, you grow up, you think you haven't bad now it's going to get worse. Well, that's not very motivating. There is no way that phrase is going to help that student so why are we saying it to them? Why are we saying it to our children? Why are we saying it to anybody, it is not a motivating phrase. So that's the first one. Practice not saying that, you know, there's the standing joke about how well back in my day, we actually had to you know, walk five miles uphill both ways to get to school. I joke in my era, I actually had to get up to change the channel on the TV because that's something that young people don't relate to either, but I don't ever say the phrase, you think you've got it bad now you think you're going through bad times now you think you're going through struggles now just wait you get older, it's going to get worse. That doesn't help anybody so stay away from it. The next one I want to talk about it's not really a phrase and I don't know if you'd call it more of a reaction but there students that have imperfections. There are students that sometimes come to school and they have to be self conscious about something that is just a little bit different than most kids. I'll just use myself as an example I make fun of my nose. It's huge, but it's a slow, it's, it's long. It's kind of a trait of my family. And I jokingly make fun of it all the time. And you're going to run across students that might have some kind of imperfection on their face, many of them will be self conscious about it. So first thing, even if they never bring it up, do not go to them. And say, I think you're attractive, just the way you are, you know what that means to them. That means you've noticed my nose, and you're trying to make that comment to motivate them. So that's one thing you don't want to say now here's the one I really want to bring up. The students, kids, even adults for that matter. If they have some kind of situation like that, they may eventually get to the point where they're comfortable enough of making fun of themselves. And they'll do it publicly. It's to show that they're comfortable with it. Well, here's what I've heard. I was at an activity for young people one time and there was a young lady, she this has been years ago. In fact, it was I can't remember it was back before I was even substitute teaching, but it was a school event that some adults were working with. And I didn't know this one student, it was actually a facial feature that she poked fun at all the time. It was, I guess, her way of coping with that. And she seemed comfortable with that. But then I saw a couple of adults that echoed what she said something to the effect of Oh, there's Jane with the big nose or whatever the situation might have been, well, I'm here to tell you this, it doesn't matter how comfortable they are, in making fun of themselves. Don't you join the club, don't you make fun of them to don't you pointed out as well. Now if the kids did that, to me today, I could care less, that's not going to bother me. But we as adults need to be careful about confirming imperfections that a young person thinks they have. So it's alright if they joke around about it. But once we start jumping on the bandwagon and laugh and joke around with them as well, well, then that's, that's a little bit different. That's going to make them feel strange. Hey, everybody notices it. After all, the teacher is drawing emphasis to it, that's going to make them feel bad. So it's our job to make them comfortable. You know, sometimes if if I hear a student say I'm ugly, or I'm stupid, well, I'll immediately correct that. I said, there's no way so I don't want to ever hear you say that. Again, I will say things like that. I won't go into a whole detail, here's why you're great. And all this kind of stuff. I will leave it at that. Because sometimes if you go beyond that, it makes it feel just a little bit artificial. Do your best of not drawing attention to any of a possible perceived imperfection on anyone else. Now this one I brought up before and it's really it's become one of my pet peeves. And I'll tell you why as I describe it, anytime a student comes to me a substitute teacher and mentions that I think so and so is a great teacher, but I hate it when they say this to me, Well, then, you know, they're telling you that in confidence, and it has de motivated them for some reason. When students look to you as a teacher, and sincerely want some help, well, you want to come up with a way of letting them know that you're always available to them to help. You want to be their sounding board. You want to be their mentor, you want to be the person who they have confidence in coming to you and that you will not point out issues with them in front of the other class members. So the phrase that I hate teachers using is you should have already known that. The student in question, he's a smart kid. Now he told me that story. He told me that A teacher that he likes to class. But that teacher said to them last time, every time he mentioned the word every time he asked a question, they would say, you should already know that. Now I'm not even sure why a teacher would want to say that. What exactly are you accomplishing is a year ago to belittle the student to the point of man, if you had studied correctly, you would already know that? Well, it's obvious if the student confides in you enough that they want your help with something, well, why would you ever say something to them, that would discourage them from coming to you in the future? So get away from that phrase, never say to someone, you should already know that? What's the solution? If the student should have already known that? Well, just say something to the effect. Let's go through this again, let's strengthen what we've gone over before. Repetition in most classes is probably the best way to learn. Making mistakes is the best way to learn. Maybe you want to it depends on the class, of course, but maybe you want to sit down down with them and walk them through something or even say, Show me how you think we should do it. And then I'll give you some, some suggestions on where to go from here. But always do something motivating to that student. There is nothing motivating about saying the phrase, you should have already known about that. Perhaps you're going to drive a student in a direction that they won't do well in your class, they might not even do well in future classes on a related topic, because way back when a teacher made them feel like they should have already known that. Why are you wasting my time? So get away from that one? That's one of the ones that I hate the most? The phrase that I mentioned in the opening Boy, oh, boy, have we heard that from our parents from our guardians from whoever the case may be? The phrase is, because I said so now, you know, you're flashing back a little bit. We probably heard that mainly, when we were very young. And that's when I think it's okay, let me walk you through my history a little bit. I remember growing up and thinking, boy, when I get out on my own, have my own kids, I am never going to use the phrase because I told you so or Because I said so Well, that didn't happen, I didn't pull through with that promise, I use that phrase. Now there's some situations that you do have to put a hammer down quickly. And that's probably the way to do it. But the only reason I bring up that phrase, there are definitely times when we must use it. But I will challenge you right now. Think of when you use that phrase, with your children, with your students, with anybody you're in charge up when you say Because I said so. Are you using it out of convenience, you just want the discussion to be over now, I would challenge you try to use that phrase only when it has to do with their safety. Only when it's obvious, they're getting ready to make a bad decision. Don't just use it for convenience, because you don't want to talk to that student anymore. You need to do something perhaps on your desk. And you say you just got to have to do that for now. Because I said so that is so demotivating to a child, a student, try to come up with another phrase, maybe to the point of if it's not something that's immediate that you have to address right away. Don't get in the sloppy habit of overusing that phrase. Use it when you absolutely have to come up with something different when you don't have to. And you know, I would suggest, you know, son, here's why I think you shouldn't do it. Now. Let's be honest guys, those of us that are parents, the things that we're telling our kids, we don't want them doing. We probably did them. We probably did them when we were their age, that we're telling them don't do that because of our experience. And kids have a hard time with that. You know, you probably can't tell them that you did that. But I don't want you to do it. That's not the way to go. Because that will set up a firestorm for you that you be would be more difficult to deal with. But come up with your own phrases, Think it through, think about alternate things you could say, give the students the time they deserve, give children the time they deserve, give anyone the time they deserve without making up some phrase that's going to get rid of them as soon as possible. Do it now because I said so if it's not a safety issue, if it's not something that has to be dealt with immediately, tell them why it's important that they do it this way. And you know, if you want to go ahead and use the phrase, I know you're too young to understand right now, at least that a little bit better. And I think it will go more smoothly, and that child won't feel as bad when they walk away. Here's one for you. I remember a college class where the teacher came in and had tests to return. And he said, I am handing these tests back to you. By average score, highest score first. And he proceeded to hand the test out one by one until he got to student 20. And he said, this is the last test I'm handing out. Well, obviously the implication is that student got the worst score in the class. But right after he said, this is the last test I'm handing out. He said Oh, and by the way, I was joking about handing them out in grade order. Now that brought the house down, we all thought it was hilarious. But think about the emotions that were going through that class. As those tests were being handed out. This was a statistics class, I was a statistics geek. And I know I was in the lower half of the stack, but he is out and I'm thinking Witcher that got a better score than that. And then it was obviously when he handed me the paper. It was a it was a decent score. And I thought well, you know, he must have just made that up. And he did. But depending on what age group you're teaching, you have to handle those situations in different ways. Don't say things that are going to embarrass the student publicly. Once they see that everybody has overheard the conversation. They're going to be extremely demotivated. If you have to be serious with a student about their grades about their scores about their work. Do it privately. And when I say privately, I don't mean George, meet me after class for five minutes. That's not privately if you say that in front of everybody, well, all of a sudden, everybody feels like George is in trouble. So figure out a way to do it. You know, maybe you can casually say something to the student out of earshot of anybody, maybe it's on a day where you have all the students come up one by one and you just share some thoughts with them. You know, maybe you just want to jot something down on a piece of paper that you can slot it over and show it to them while they're at the desk rather than call attention to it. Don't yell out at students in the class students that are otherwise really good performers. It's really demotivating for them, but students at all levels. If they're somebody that doesn't perform quite average in the class, you're not going to do them any good by belittling them in the class. If it's somebody does that does real well in the class. You're not going to motivate them by yelling at them. I know some people have said that they like to use some of the stronger students as an example when they have an occasional issue. Maybe they miss something that should have gotten right. And they say something in front of the other students because they think that students can handle it well, I don't think I've ever used that strategy but I would encourage you if you plan to do that tell the student first tell him you know Susie you get everything correct. Would you mind if I use you as an example because you missed this one problem? Because you just happened to miss read the question and you know, maybe I can see where in certain situations they can say well, I guess if it happens to Susie it can happen to all of us. So that was a good lesson to be learned. But by all means, don't say that before you run it, you know through the student and make sure everything's gonna be okay. There's some students that will let you use them as an example. I'd say take advantage of that because they are going to remain motivated button Make sure that you don't say anything publicly to those students that's going to ruin their motivation. You say one negative thing like that, and it is going to take weeks for them to get back to the motivation level that they were before you said it. So stay away from those phrases. Now this last thing I'm going to mention has come back to haunt me on occasion. I think you all know by now that I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. Me and my preacher. By the way, we have a podcast called church debater and preacher Mike, if you ever want to listen to it, we're, we don't like to do the normal thing. I usually try to pick a controversial topic, he doesn't know what I'm going to ask him each week. So we have fun with that. But the reason I say that my preacher and I both have sarcastic sense of humor, and we know that we can say anything to each other, and it's not going to bother us, we both think it's hilarious. Now, I joke around the same way with my students, but not initially. Normally, when I have taught them enough to get to know them, that's when I will joke around with them more, but you have to gauge it. If you catch them joking back with you, then you're probably okay. They like to joke with you the same way you like to joke with them. But take small pieces, take a step joke with him. And one way if they think that's fine, that's okay to continue. But you're going to have students that don't like to be joked with anyway, they don't like attention drawn to them in any form. So you have to pick your battles, so to speak, you have to have to pick the situations that you think is going to be a perfect situation to joke around a little bit about, I like to keep the classroom funny. And I've been described as a funny substitute teacher, that's not always a good thing, of course, at the top of the list is getting our work done. But if we can get our work done, and do it in a fun way, a joking away where we can joke around with each other, we can poke fun at each other in a nice way in a sarcastic way, just to have a little bit of fun. Well, I'm all for that. But don't do it on day one with students that you don't know because they're probably not going to be ready for that. So pick and choose do a little homework, try to figure out which students are responding to jokes, and then go from there. Sometimes if I have a new class, I'm not going to have them very long. I'll say all right, at the end of class, we might play a little five minute game, I'm going to see how many people I can embarrass. And you want to see the look on their faces. And so you had to you know, you had to pick those battles. I usually don't embarrass them, but just the fact that I can set that up and make them think I will. You know that that kind of sets the stage for doing a little humorous. type situation maybe later on. And one quickie I'll say Don't ever say this to a teacher. You're a substitute teacher, don't tell your regular teacher, oh, I've got a better way to do that. No, don't do that. That is the way to handle that situation. Perhaps you do. And wait for that door to open where that teacher feels comfortable and you sharing that with them. And maybe they'll just ask questions that will eventually lead that you know, lead you in that direction and what to say with them, but don't say it right off the bat. Again, choose the proper venue, I think maybe all of these phrases. A lot of them I just recommend you get away from them, but some of them may be there, okay, but pick the situations in which they are okay. If you come across as an arrogant substitute teacher that knows everything, even if you are pretty smart. You don't want to tell that teacher 30 minutes after you've met them or 30 minutes after you've text them so I think they will eventually ask you if you have any suggestions and then that would be the time to share.